white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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