I'm lost and stupid without you.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
