dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
