Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
