i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Randomize
