Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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