A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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