Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
