best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
