Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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