We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
