I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
