the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
