i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
