He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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