I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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