I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
