i wish starbucks made bloody marys
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
