Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I need water and some morals
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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