just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
