So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Randomize
