After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
