your room smells of hookers.
And success
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
