I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
