I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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