took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
