I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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