i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
