Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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