he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
