My friends, they love my intelligence
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
