she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
