Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
