Dude my mom stole all your condoms
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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