i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
