I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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