So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
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