Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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