What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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