My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
