Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
