college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
