Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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