just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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