Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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