I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
