Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
