when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
