he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
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