you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
