a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
