im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
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