You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
